An open letter to my cat

Dear Cookie,

I realize you are a "special" cat.  By "special," I don't mean that you are one-of-a-kind, super wonderful, and/or occupying a space of honor for some reason in this household.  By "special" I mean you are mentally retarded.  I know that people can be like this, so I'm assuming that animals can be like this too.  There have to be smart animals and slow animals to make the average exist, right?  You, my dear cat, are at the bottom of the spectrum.

I don't usually hold this against you, unless you do something so far out in the realm of Ridiculous that I have to punish you for the act.  For example, cats that use the litter box always cover up what they have done.  It's a survival instinct - if a predator can't smell or find it, they can't find you.  You?  Never cover your litter-box deeds.  In fact, most of the time it looks like you get sidetracked while using the litter box and start to leave while still mid-whatever-you're-doing.  Like last night, when you exited your box while you were still pooping.  I almost laughed when I saw the poop on the wall right outside your litter box.  You know, a ha-ha-silly-cat moment.  Then, I got upset when I could trace the exact path you took after pooping by poop stains in the house.  First, you went and drank water (poop mark on the tile by the water dish).  Then, you sat in the middle of the kitchen (poop stain on the tile, again).  THEN, you went upstairs and laid in the middle of the freaking bed where you know you're not supposed to lay (she has a sheet on one side she can lay on).  Poop stain on the comforter.  Lovely. 

I don't appreciate poop anywhere in this house from you other than the litter box.  If you can't poop there, don't poop.  Seriously.  If you explode from holding your poop in because you're just too damn arrogant to use your litter box, well, sorry about that.  We've provided several litter boxes around the house for your use and you have ignored all but one of them.  Why?  Heck if I know.  Then, you poop by the girls' rooms.  You poop on the landing.  You poop on the stairs.  You poop by the dining room table.  You poop everywhere you're not supposed to.  Just...stop.  Did you know that the husband is counting down the days until you're no longer living?  Morbid and horrible, yes, but it's completely your actions that have brought his feelings toward you to this.

Put all your poop in the litter box.  I'm much more likely to be affectionate toward you if you can do this.

Me